Q. Ironically, my divorce was finalized last Valentine’s Day. Over the past year my ex and I have both done some soul searching. We broke up because he cheated — but he’s apologized so many times and I’m thinking of trying again. I think this Valentine’s Day would be a great day to start over. I want to recommend it, but I don’t know how he feels. What is good ex etiquette?
A. The red flag is flying over it. First, the irony of your divorce being finalized on Valentine’s Day is too great to ignore. Even if you say you and your ex both did some soul searching, be aware of the emotionality associated with that day and how it might prompt you to ignore another red flag in front of you.
That red flag? history It is said that past behavior is the best predictor of future performance. Or you may have heard it another way: once a cheater, always a cheater. I really believe people can change, so I’m not saying you can’t trust people. My philosophy is that it was his decision to cheat before, and if he really wants to right his wrongs, hopefully he will now choose to manage his attraction to others in a more honest way.
This is when we all need to remember that attraction to others is human. Trust in a relationship is how you manage those attractions when you’ve promised to be faithful to someone. Knowing this, you need to decide if he’s done enough soul-searching that cheating is a thing of the past, and if you’ve done enough soul-searching that you feel confident about re-entering a relationship with him.
So, how to approach him? My first inclination was to quote Rule No. 8 of good ex-courtesy: “Be honest and straightforward.” But I’m concerned that you said you don’t know how he feels. If you’re considering a reunion, you really should. Not knowing means you haven’t talked about it or you may not be close enough to discuss getting back together. If so, you need to ask yourself, “Am I letting the feelings of the day get the best of me?” So many cast themselves in made-for-TV movies and forget about the other cast members. Do you really want to mate, or are you lonely?
If you are committed to giving it one more try, my advice would be to get some counseling together before discussing what happened and coming to an agreement on how you would handle similar situations in the future. If you find that this is just your imagination, it may be time to seek some advice yourself. Don’t be afraid to start over. It’s good ex manners.
(Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Manners After Divorce or Separation” and founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. Email her on the Ex-Etiquette website exetiquette.com at dr.jann @exetiquette. com.)
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